I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
