I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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