Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
