So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
