just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
