I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
