I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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