she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
