ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
