I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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