You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
