I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
