thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize