I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
