Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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