Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
