im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
