if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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