Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
