You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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