god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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