I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
