i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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