i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
