Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize