I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
