I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
