It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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