There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize