I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
