I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Lo siento on account of my penis...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
