im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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