Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
