i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
