dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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