I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I use my feet as sexual weapons
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
