There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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