And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
