Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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