i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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