I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
