I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
