I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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