My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm just crazy horny about you
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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