i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
you had me at cake vodka
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
