Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he was CRYING into my vagina
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Help. Why am I so naked?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
