I faked an abortion last night.
he thought i was a dude.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Two words: blizzard sex
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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