My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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