Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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