Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize