A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
