We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
