he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
