You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
