I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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